The folks over at Baseball Prospectus were having a little writing contest, for which I threw together this silly little piece, which can probably be ignored by anyone not a baseball fan.
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Assosiated Press
SAN FRANCISCO — Barry Bonds gave a press conference today where he announced his desire to rejoin Major League Baseball in the 2009 season. Giving hints of an unusually broad smile, Bonds detailed his current rigorous training regimen and offered special press access to comprehensive video of his workout routines dating back to February 2008. “I didn’t want there to be any more questions in the future about,” Bonds hesitated for a moment, “you know. I’m in the best shape of my life right now.”
Directly addressing concerns that he has been regarded a poor teammate and may only be interested in the money, Bonds stated, “In returning to baseball, I am only interested in winning a championship. I want to announce publicly that I am willing to play for the league minimum.” The assembled crowd gasped in unison. “The only condition I will ask for in my next contract is that,” Bonds stopped again as some experienced members in the media chuckled, “my new team will – when we win the pennant, the division series, the championship series, and then the world series – donate an additional three million dollars at each step of the way to The United Way of the Bay Area.”
Bonds grinned as flashbulbs sparked. “The 2009 season – and number 763 – will be for the kids. Major League Baseball ownership can’t say no to that. Can they?”
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Assosiated Press
LAS VEGAS — Matt Phillips, a caddy at the TPC Las Vegas golf course, discovered an unusual surprise in a cart’s cup holder last Saturday afternoon. When washing the vehicles, Phillips paused when he found a creased scorecard and saw it was signed by none other than future hall-of-famer Greg Maddux. “I couldn’t believe it,” Phillips said. “I didn’t notice him show up. I didn’t see him leave. No one told me he was here. The man must be like a ninja or something.”
Other than the signature, the writing on the back of the scorecard got Phillips’ attention. “It had a bunch of scribbles on the back of it – like a list. It was hard to read at first, but then I got it. He made a bunch of predictions and listed them out.” Sure enough, examination of the card, entirely written with a tiny pencil, reads:
* Lowe – nono – about June 14
* Manny – pitches 1 inn – (”July” is crossed out) Aug?
* Weeters – cycle – Sep 5
* Rocket – still SUX
* Marquis – 15k
* Carp. – dl 27 and 30
* Smz – WS
Legendary for his almost psychic abilities on the pitchers’ mound, little is known whether Maddux possesses true extra-sensory abilities. When asked about whether he would keep the scorecard, Phillips responded, “Oh yeah. I can’t sell it yet. What if they’re all true? Then it’ll be worth more. Oh man, but what if they’re not true? Then it’ll be less. What do you think I should do? Do you think he really, like, knows stuff?” When pressed, Phillips held that his opinion of Maddux would not change even if no predictions came true, “I mean, it’s really too small of a sample size to test for psychicness.”
Maddux finished his day at eight over par. He could not be reached for comment.
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Assosiated Press
BOSTON — General Manager Theo Epstein announced yesterday that nearly all Red Sox baseball operations staff and coaches would be required to pass an algebra test in order to remain with the team. Epstein specifically cited the scouting corps, calling out Jason McLeod, Amiel Sawdaye, Jared Porter, Ben Crockett, and Fernando Tamayo. An internal memorandum informed the appropriate staff that copies of the book, Practical Algebra: A Self-Teaching Guide, 2nd Edition by Peter H. Selby and Steve Slavin, could
be picked up in his office. Epstein also mailed a copy to Joe Morgan.
Epstein announced that the math test would be given on the morning of May 11, preceding the team’s road trip to the west coast. A sample test would be made available in the Red Sox clubhouse library. A clubhouse source revealed that a possible question might go something like:
Solve for W:
(168 + W + 7 – 1 – 6) * (201 + 0.26(51 – 8 – 7) + 0.52(6 + 5 + 2)) / (581 + 51 + 2 + 6 + 5) = 39
A senior official with the team was quoted as saying, “This is all James’s fault. Flippin’ Amos Otis.” When reached for comment, author Peter H. Selby excitedly recounted a willingness to aid the Red Sox in their pursuit of mathematical excellence, “Anyone over there can call me anytime. I’d love to help them become exceptional at some higher math. What a good example for my students!” Life-long New Yorker Steve Slavin responded only with an unprintable obscenity.
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Disclaimer: None of these stories are well-researched, remotely true, or intended to be taken with anything other than a sense of humor.