Sometimes, at the show, it’s difficult to focus on the show.

The Extemporaneous Theatre Company put on a Whose Line Is It Anyway style improv show on Friday night.  It featured nimble Nick Crawford, charlatan Christopher Davis, crack-up Callie Mauldin, determined Douglas O’Neil, Jr., and degenerate Debbie Smith.

As fate would have it, a pretty blonde showed up late and sat directly in front of me.  She had carefully secured two bobby pins in an X over one ear to hold a lock of hair back from her face.  It’s shocking how impossible that is for me to ignore.  Wise women through history have all known about the man-gnetic properties of interlocked bobby pins.  As I am single and easily distracted by shiny stuff, I am embarrassed to admit that I missed the whole show.  So I’m not entirely competent to write a piece on whatever may have happened on stage.

Instead of commenting on the (I’m sure) fine performance of the Extemporaneous Theatre Company, I present instead a collection of some of my favorite lines from the evening.  These may not be verbatim – or even real – because I’ve already admitted my impediment.  I leave it to the reader to imagine the humorous circumstances surrounding each punchline.  But, if you were there, you could use this to pretend to re-live the performance over and over again.

• “Jehovah, baby!”
• “Verily did the Lord agree with the Prophet Gates.”
• “Hamburgers are jucier if you show your breasts.  Everybody knows that.”
• “I’ll bet that cop was hungry after he saw your yams.”
• “Oh no, I didn’t know you were married to Santa Claus.”
• “Debbie, speaking of milk….”
• “Or else you’re gonna find out what ‘dirty up the chimney’ means.”
• “What’s this smell all aboot?”
• “Hey now, what are all the chicks and Easter eggs aboot?”
• “What goes on, when the lights go off, and I go down.”
• “Even though it is hand-adjacent, I couldn’t feel it.”
• “They even let Jesus play.  You know, the Mexican dishwasher.”
• “Why Aunt Ezelle would want ‘Born to Pimp’ in her grill, I have no idea.”
• “This time think more denim, less orchard.”
• “Applebottom Jeans: Nothing to do with apples.”
• “I don’t even give it a rat fart.”
• “It’s hard to tell with the short hair and the dykey attire.”
• “You know those crazy Irish – they fuck all the time.”
• “It was the stupid little Mick kids.”
• “You know, you don’t smell half-bad.”
• “Yeah, I’ve seen flatter.”
• “You know, we don’t have to use a glove.”
• “Sweet Jehovah in a toll booth!”
• “Wait!  I’m still comically flipping my hat.”
• “I’m all growed up now; it’s a b-cup.”
• “I will have a Donahue party!  Yes!”
• “Yeah, I had a Sally Jesse party last month.”
• “I’ve been a fan of yours, Picasso Dali.”
• “That’s some Broyhill, baby.  That don’t break.”
• “Excuse me for a second.  Someone’s at my back door.”
• “Let’s go see ol’ fancy man – the one with the sandwiches.”
• “Fancy man do not a dollar make.”
• “If some courage; You can muster; Follow me; The man in the duster.”
• “And that’s when I stab you!  Right in the back-clavicle!  ‘Cause you know there’s two sets.”
• “I have a dance minor.”
• “You know what this needs?  Some music by Cher!  If I could turn back time…”
• “Oh!  Right in the crack!”
• “MMmmm, Mama loves some McNuggets.”
• “At least we can do something like baby elephant pitching.”
• “What?  Are you reading the Daily Publishment?  What?  Are you looking at my goozle?”
• “It’s the first day of summer, woman!”
• “I don’t know if I should put you on more drugs or less.”
• “You’re not going to play.  You’re just going to watch.”
• “Snowflake, don’t lose that number.”
• “They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, and I’d like to call you leaving.”
• “Honey, we’re not going to leave Snowflake.  We’re having him euthanized.”

See what you may have been missing?  Thanks again to Douglas O’Neil, Jr., and the other members of the Extemporaneous Theatre Company.