Dear straight men of Birmingham,

You’re being kind-of dopey.

Yes, the fine arts can be fine, but they’re very often fine – if you receive my meaning.  I’ve been wanting to write a straightforward piece on how sexy dance can be, and the latest show from the Arova Contemporary Ballet, La Vie Boheme, provides the perfect chance.

First off, the Arova team collaborated with Angela Karen for (at least) the great promotional picture featured here.  Along with her other work, Angela is responsible for creating pin-up photography at Birmingham Bombshells.  God bless her.  She also distracted me at the performance because she’s beautiful and talented and I had to sit directly behind her.  (I’ve begged at least two friends of mine with any sort of connection to try and set us up, to no avail…)

Which brings me to my point.  If you’re a single man, you really don’t have any reason to miss these dance performances.  Without even mentioning the seven pretty dancers on stage, I think I was seated within sight of something like ten attractive girls.  Most of them weren’t there with a guy.  And I think they were all in heels and dresses.  So your odds are good.  Whatever the opposite of a sausage party is, this is it.

Not only that, but I can script you an easy in: “Hi there, I don’t know anything about dance, and I’m here by myself to check it out.”  You’re immediately good-natured and humble and charming.  She’ll swoon.  Unless you smell like manure or have a swastika on your forehead.  So go from there.

What if you’re already crazy about a particular girl?  The answer to that is easy.  Purchase two tickets to a dance recital in advance.  Then tell her you’ve got two tickets and want her to come with you.  For the most part, chicks dig dance.  I’ve rarely met a girl that would turn down a dance performance.  We’re talking major points.

Not only that, but I’ll admit to ulterior motives in asking a date to this kind of performance.  Half the fun is giving her a good excuse to doll up.  No one’s ever gotten too girly for me.  If I have to put on real pants and shoes as a tradeoff, then so be it, and you won’t catch me complaining.

But I can already hear you saying, “I don’t really like dance.”  First of all, that’s not the point, is it?  The point is them, right?  If it weren’t for them, we’d probably live in little caves and play video games all day.  Second of all, I think you will like the dance.  Maybe not all of it, but that’s okay because even hard-core dance people don’t like it all.  At the Arova performance, for example, they performed eight pieces, but I mainly enjoyed the even-numbered pieces (Surrender, Chants d’Auvergne, Verite, and La Reve Rouge).  In particular, Surrender and Le Reve Rouge were downright sexy – I like a lot of interaction and contact between the dancers.  If you’re unstirred by a dancer onstage who is thoroughly out-of-breath, you may need professional help.

Even though the dances have got fancy French names, I promise that no one’s forcing us to watch ‘em with fancy eyes.  The dancers just move pretty and that’s really all you need to know.  Without understanding a darned thing about dance, I’ve been able to pick out a pair of shapely legs since I was about thirteen.  And there’s great joy in that.  Do you really need to know anything about make-up to be able to appreciate the results?  Heck no you don’t.  You don’t even have to feel guilty about it – whoever does the costuming for Arova is gifted and perceptive and knows exactly what they’re doing.

And guys, it’s not just contemporary ballet.  I just saw Don Quixote by the Alabama Ballet and there were plenty of pretty dancers there who want you to watch.  I just saw Equus by Theatre Downtown and that show is at least half about sex, plus there’s real honest-to-God nakedness in it.  That’s way better than anything pixellated, so get yourself some tickets to a show.

Ladies, feel free to pass this information along to the uninformed.

Your friend,

Daniel