Terrible Math

Our President says,
“The reason we’re in Afghanistan is
Very simple:
Three thousand Americans were killed.”

I thought about this.

As of today,
America has spent eight hundred and fifty billion -
$850,000,000,000 -
On the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Three thousand deaths on 9/11 -
That’s 3,000 -
So after a little simple division:
We’ve spent two hundred and eighty million -
$280,000,000 -
For every person killed that day.

Our President also says,
“The organization that planned those attacks
Intends to carry out further attacks.”

Even if
That money prevented another three thousand deaths,
That’s still one hundred forty million -
$140,000,000 -
For every civilian death.

When you go,
I just hope someone cares about you that much.

Major Undertaking

Everything can be divided into
Stuff that takes
Less than two hours,
And stuff that takes
More than two hours.

Anything accomplishable
In under two hours
Can’t be very worthwhile.
I can always do it later.

And anything
Upwards of two hours
Requires a major undertaking.
I’m just not ready for it yet.

I can wander around
All day
Not doing the small stuff and
Not doing the big stuff.

Even if we incline to drink,
What would we do?
Stop before it gets worthwhile,
Or make it a major undertaking?

Swine Flu

Swine flu is not a national crisis;
It is not an emergency;
Nor a catastrophe.
Unnamed flus kill a thousand people a week.

Like shark attacks,
Even these words won’t matter,
In a few short months.

I remember my mother,
Doing a credible voice when she cried out,
“Wolf! Wolf! The wolf is chasing the sheep!”
Teaching me about
Exaggeration and
False panics.

The real crisis is that
I no longer believe my mother:
People still tune in
Every day
All day
For reports
From the little shepherd boy.

What will he say next?

The folks over at Baseball Prospectus were having a little writing contest, for which I threw together this silly little piece, which can probably be ignored by anyone not a baseball fan.

***

Assosiated Press

SAN FRANCISCO — Barry Bonds gave a press conference today where he announced his desire to rejoin Major League Baseball in the 2009 season.  Giving hints of an unusually broad smile, Bonds detailed his current rigorous training regimen and offered special press access to comprehensive video of his workout routines dating back to February 2008.  “I didn’t want there to be any more questions in the future about,” Bonds hesitated for a moment, “you know.  I’m in the best shape of my life right now.”

Directly addressing concerns that he has been regarded a poor teammate and may only be interested in the money, Bonds stated, “In returning to baseball, I am only interested in winning a championship.  I want to announce publicly that I am willing to play for the league minimum.”  The assembled crowd gasped in unison.  “The only condition I will ask for in my next contract is that,” Bonds stopped again as some experienced members in the media chuckled, “my new team will – when we win the pennant, the division series, the championship series, and then the world series – donate an additional three million dollars at each step of the way to The United Way of the Bay Area.”

Bonds grinned as flashbulbs sparked.  “The 2009 season – and number 763 – will be for the kids.  Major League Baseball ownership can’t say no to that.  Can they?”

***
Assosiated Press

LAS VEGAS — Matt Phillips, a caddy at the TPC Las Vegas golf course, discovered an unusual surprise in a cart’s cup holder last Saturday afternoon.  When washing the vehicles, Phillips paused when he found a creased scorecard and saw it was signed by none other than future hall-of-famer Greg Maddux.  “I couldn’t believe it,” Phillips said.  “I didn’t notice him show up.  I didn’t see him leave.  No one told me he was here.  The man must be like a ninja or something.”

Other than the signature, the writing on the back of the scorecard got Phillips’ attention.  “It had a bunch of scribbles on the back of it – like a list.  It was hard to read at first, but then I got it.  He made a bunch of predictions and listed them out.”  Sure enough, examination of the card, entirely written with a tiny pencil, reads:

* Lowe  – nono – about June 14
* Manny – pitches 1 inn – (“July” is crossed out) Aug?
* Weeters – cycle – Sep 5
* Rocket – still SUX
* Marquis – 15k
* Carp. – dl 27 and 30
* Smz – WS

Legendary for his almost psychic abilities on the pitchers’ mound, little is known whether Maddux possesses true extra-sensory abilities.  When asked about whether he would keep the scorecard, Phillips responded, “Oh yeah.  I can’t sell it yet.  What if they’re all true?  Then it’ll be worth more.  Oh man, but what if they’re not true?  Then it’ll be less.  What do you think I should do?  Do you think he really, like, knows stuff?”  When pressed, Phillips held that his opinion of Maddux would not change even if no predictions came true, “I mean, it’s really too small of a sample size to test for psychicness.”

Maddux finished his day at eight over par.  He could not be reached for comment.
***
Assosiated Press

BOSTON — General Manager Theo Epstein announced yesterday that nearly all Red Sox baseball operations staff and coaches would be required to pass an algebra test in order to remain with the team.  Epstein specifically cited the scouting corps, calling out Jason McLeod, Amiel Sawdaye, Jared Porter, Ben Crockett, and Fernando Tamayo.  An internal memorandum informed the appropriate staff that copies of the book, Practical Algebra: A Self-Teaching Guide, 2nd Edition by Peter H. Selby and Steve Slavin, could
be picked up in his office.  Epstein also mailed a copy to Joe Morgan.

Epstein announced that the math test would be given on the morning of May 11, preceding the team’s road trip to the west coast.  A sample test would be made available in the Red Sox clubhouse library.  A clubhouse source revealed that a possible question might go something like:

Solve for W:
(168 + W + 7 – 1 – 6) * (201 + 0.26(51 – 8 – 7) + 0.52(6 + 5 + 2)) / (581 + 51 + 2 + 6 + 5) = 39

A senior official with the team was quoted as saying, “This is all James’s fault.  Flippin’ Amos Otis.”  When reached for comment, author Peter H. Selby excitedly recounted a willingness to aid the Red Sox in their pursuit of mathematical excellence, “Anyone over there can call me anytime.  I’d love to help them become exceptional at some higher math.  What a good example for my students!”  Life-long New Yorker Steve Slavin responded only with an unprintable obscenity.
***
Disclaimer: None of these stories are well-researched, remotely true, or intended to be taken with anything other than a sense of humor.

Although for some reason we don’t get it on local public radio, WBHM, I’ve always been a fan of The Writer’s Almanac with Garrison Keillor.  It has a great feature on its website where you can sign up for a daily e-mail newsletter.  It’s always at least one poem a day, plus a collection of information and quotes relevant to writers.  I’ve been a subscriber for over a year now and they’ve never done anything too annoying or, to my knowledge, sold my e-mail address for marketing.  I highly recommend it.

The following is just a smattering of inspirational quotes that I’ve collected from the newsletter.

• “We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell
• “Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.” – Gloria Steinem
• “Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for.” – Earl Warren
• “What we do might be done in solitude and with great desperation, but it tends to produce exactly the opposite. It tends to produce community and in many people hope and joy.” – Junot Diaz
• “Be regular and orderly in your life so that you may be violent and original in your work.” – Gustave Flaubert
• “If you fail, better to fail while daring greatly.” – Theodore Roosevelt
• “A poem is words that fit together in a special way so it’s easy to remember and it sounds like magic.” – Annie Finch
• “I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” – Pablo Picasso
• “You are the storyteller of your own life and you can create your own legend or not.” – Isabel Allende
• “A book must be the ax for the frozen sea within us.” – Franz Kafka
• “Style is knowing who you are, what to say, and not giving a damn.” – Gore Vidal

Also, one more which, although not from the Almanac, seems relevant: “You’re either rebuilding for something special, or you’re on the verge of something special.  To be in between is foolish.” – Billy Beane